Kate's Struggle
by kate and jack
Summary: Kate's past is holding her back. Can she find a way to move on and start a new life? KateJack ship. Please R&R! [5th CHAPTER UP!]
1. In Her Past

Jack and the other survivors always wondered what Kate was thinking about when she stared off into the distance for hours on end. But no one could seem to figure out what she was thinking because she wouldn't let anybody in, not even the people who so desperately wanted to know her and who she wanted to know herself.

What was she supposed to do? Kate thought she could escape from her past but she can't. Even though what happened had occurred some time ago, she was not ready to move on. She could not seem to shake off the misgivings she had about her relationships with men in the past. Each and every one of them had ended badly, especially the last one. The last one didn't just end badly; it ended in leaving the county and trying to escape the law. What happened wasn't her fault though. The circumstances just made it look like she was the culprit when she was in fact innocent. Ever since then, she had kept a journal. Once Kate had fled the United States, she didn't have anyone to confide in. She only had herself. Keeping a journal was the only way she could stay sane. If she didn't have some outlet to express her feelings through, she wouldn't have been able to survive.

_Dear Journal,_

_I'm on the plan to Australia right now. I can't believe I made it through customs. I thought that they'd have notified them about me. Well, I guess it's a good thing they didn't. As they say, don't question a blessing._

_I really have no idea what I'm going to do once I get to Australia. Should I go somewhere else? Should I stay in the city, go to the country? Ahhh! I have no idea what I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do. Think. Come on, Kate. Think! I guess I should probably avoid being in the city because I'll be easier to trace then if I "disappear" into the countryside. That's what I'll do. Go to the country. Maybe I'll work on a farm and live in the wild. Well, whatever happens happens. I'll just try to stay flexible so I don't miss any opportunities._

_Now that I've gotten the panicky logistical stuff out of the way, I really need to talk about what happened. What happened? I don't even remember it very clearly. For me, the most vivid memories are just of feelings, not of actions. Feelings of intense fear, fear for my life._

_I guess if I'm going to tell the story of my recent life, I should explain how I got to the United States in the first place._

_I grew up in Alberta, Canada with my mom, dad, and two sisters. We lived in a nice little house and had a nice middle class life. I decided that I really wanted to travel the world and get out of Canada for college. But the farthest my parents would let me go was the United States. So I ended up at U. Penn for the next four years of my life. And it was at U. Penn that I met Harry, Harry Jacobson._

_Harry wasn't exactly what you'd call the clean cut suburban type. He was more edgy than that. He occasionally dyed his hair blue and has an earring. But nothing over too over the top. Harry was a big social drinker but I never thought his habit was excessive. Apparently I was wrong. He wasn't just a big social drinker; he was alcoholic with chronic depression – in other words, a very troubled person. After I got involved with him, I felt like I couldn't leave him because I wanted to help so badly. I wanted to help solve his drinking problem, help solve his unhappiness, help change his life._

_I dated Harry from junior year in college until now – well until about 5 hours ago. None of this was ever supposed to happen. None of it._

_Harry had just come back from partying with his friends and he had been drinking a lot. He was definitely very drunk and definitely very dangerous. When he got back to the apartment, I asked him where he'd been since I'd been expecting him for over 2 hours. _

_He yelled, "Why they hell do you care? I don't have to tell you a goddamn thing if I don't want to!"_

"_Harry, you don't have to answer my question if you don't want to. It's okay," I said tentatively, hoping not to upset him further._

"_No, it's not okay!" he roared. "All you ever do is interrogate me! I hate it! Why can't you just leave me alone?" Harry was much angrier than I had ever seen him before. I started to get scared. What if he tried to hurt me?_

"_Harry, I'm really sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I just care about you and I don't want anything bad to happen to you!" I tried to sound compassionate and non-confrontational. I didn't want this argument to go any further._

"_Shut the hell up!" And then it seemed like everything was going in slow motion. Harry picked up the pot that I had used to cook spaghetti and hurled it with all his might at my head. I put my hands up instinctively and crouched behind the kitchen table._

"_Stop it, Harry! What are you doing? Stop!" I screamed as he threw the colander in my direction and then some silver ware._

_Finally he stopped and I peaked around the corner to see what he was doing. He was standing by the kitchen sink breathing hard and staring at me with a hellish gleam in his eyes. Oh my God, I thought. What the hell is he going to do? He reached for the knife I had left next to the sink of the drying rack. I began to back away slowly. "Harry," I stammered with fear evident in my voice. "Harry, what are you doing?" My voice became more and more high pitched as he kept approaching with a manic glint in his eyes. "Harry, you're scaring me! Stop it! Please stop!" I yelled._

"_It's too late for that Kate. It's too late."_

_He lunged at me with the knife. I tried to dodge him but I wasn't quick enough. The knife grazed my arm, leaving a deep and bloody gouge._

_My adrenaline started to kick in. I was in a life or death situation, so it better have kicked in. I got this huge rush as I started to fight back. I punched him as hard as I could in the head. I tumbled backwards in his drunken stupor and landed hard against the corner of the kitchen table. Instantly, blood began to pour from the side of his head. I looked at him in horror as his body crumbled onto the floor. As he fell, the knife plunged into his stomach._

_I killed him. I killed Harry._

_I panicked and ran into the corridor to try to get help from one of the neighbors. I didn't even think of calling 911. I just ran franticly screaming down the hall trying to find somebody to help me. My next-door neighbor, a middle-aged woman named Mrs. Flora, came running out of her apartment and dashed into my apartment. When she saw Harry lying limp on the floor, her eyes dilated and she clamped her hand over her mouth in horror. "Harry's dead! You killed him! You murdered him!" She started to back towards the door._

"_Mrs. Flora, I was an accident! I swear! He had been drinking and he attacked me with a knife. He-"_

"_Liar! Murderer!" she screamed. And as she turned to run out of the apartment she shouted, "Police! Someone call the police! Someone's been killed!"_

_I took two steps toward the door in an attempt to go after her. I wanted to make her see that I didn't kill Harry intentionally. It was in self-defense._

_I looked back toward Harry's dead body. To an outsider, it did look like I had killed him intentionally and that my arm injury was his attempt the fight back. They'd never believe he had been the aggressor. Yes, he had been drunk at the time; but it was entirely possible that I could have exploited his state to my advantage being the physically weaker one. And the way the knife had gone through him, it looked like I had stabbed him._

_So I decided to run, run away. I was the only way I could see to escape. The police would never understand. It looked too much like a murder. The first place I thought of going was Australia._

_So here I am now, explaining what happened, explaining why I'm here. When I land, I'm going to buy some food with the money I have and then just head as far away from civilization as I can._


	2. In Her Present

One year later...

_Dear Journal,_

_Today Jack came back to the beach to pick up some things he thought would be useful for the other camp. I don't see why he wants to "dig in" so much. It just doesn't make sense. I mean, I know that our chances of being rescued are next to none, but why should we move into the valley? Why shouldn't we stay on the beach?_

_I can't believe he just assumed that I would follow him to the caves. It didn't even occur to him that I might have a different opinion. Sometimes I just don't understand what he's thinking. I think that sometimes he gets so caught up in trying to fix things that he doesn't stop to think about other people. He is so focused on helping others that he almost forgets about them. I know that probably sounds a bit cliché, but it's the truth._

_I have to admit I definitely have feelings for him, strong feelings. It's so frustrating! Why can't I just forget the past and move on? Jack isn't Harry. He's not like him in the least. So why can't I just see that and trust him? I guess I'm just afraid to get attached again, to get sucked into a powerful, inescapable vacuum. _

_I keep telling myself that my past relationships don't have anything to do with the present. But in a way they do. They've happened for better or for worse and I've learned from them. But, somehow, I've got to get my mind to recognize the goodness my heart sees in Jack. I've got to persuade my mind to follow my heart._

_You can't live life in the past, Kate. You've got to live in the present, or else you're not living at all. That's what I keep telling myself. You'll never know what possibilities lay ahead unless you take a chance._

_Take a chance on Jack. Take a chance on Jack._

_Dear Journal,_

_I just don't understand what Sawyer is about. One minute he is blatantly flirting with me and the next, brooding jealously about my preferring another guy._

_I've been really hard on him for the past few days. I guess it's that I just don't trust him. But still, I shouldn't be so mean to him all the time. After all, I'm probably not the only one keeping secrets. Maybe Sawyer has something in his past that makes him so cocky and annoying. I kind of doubt that he has any valid excuse, but I guess I should give him another chance. Since we're probably going to be on this island for quite some time, it's in my best interest to make friends and not enemies._

_Being nice to Sawyer is not exactly going to be the easiest thing in the word. Jack almost died today. He got caught in a cave-in up in the valley. I didn't know about until a few hours after it had happened. Sawyer was with me the whole time and he didn't even tell me that Jack was in danger! I can't believe him! And he had the nerve to compare himself to Jack and then back-handedly insult him!_

_The moment Sawyer told me, or rather let it slip, that Jack might be dead, I realized that my feelings for him were much deeper than I had admitted to myself before. I loved Jack. It was so simple. I loved him._

_Once I heard the news, I left immediately. When I got there, no one was doing anything. I was thinking: we can't just stand here; we've got to do something; we don't even know if they're alive anymore._

_I dug furiously for what seemed like an eternity. Michael tried to tell me that I should stop and take a break. He didn't understand – I couldn't stop. I physically couldn't stop. I felt that if I stopped, I would never see Jack again and I couldn't bear that thought. How would I be able to forgive myself for not trying hard enough to save him?_

_When Jack emerged from the cave with Charlie, I ran to him and hugged him with all my might. And he hugged me back although it was a little less passionately because he had hurt his shoulder._

_When I stepped back after our brief contact, I felt shaky. I was dizzy with exhaustion from working on adrenaline for so long trying to clear the tunnel. And my heart was beating hard. I couldn't get the feeling of his arms around me out of my mind – the smell of his sweat, the feeling of his firm musculature. When I looked up at him after our embrace, I felt an electric charge go through me. He was looking at me with a half smile and it wasn't solely in the spirit of friendship. I could tell there was something more, some deeper emotional connection that he felt with me. My heart fluttered at the thought he might actually reciprocate._

_Tomorrow is the day I'm going to do it, to get to know Jack. I can't put it off any longer. I've got to tell him how I feel._


	3. The Most Natural Thing

Kate had decided to spend the night at the valley camp because it had gotten too dark to go back to the beach. She didn't really like the idea of traveling in the jungle at night when "that thing" could be roaming around and attack her at any minute. She concluded that it was much safer to wait until the next morning before heading back to the beach.

Also, she'd much rather have stayed in the valley for that night regardless of the jungle monster. She was genuinely concerned about Jack and his injured shoulder. _What if he hadn't gotten out alive? _She shuddered at the thought. _I don't even want to think about that. He's okay now and that's all that matters._

Jack and the other valley dwellers had set up camp in the surrounding caves. And just like on the beach, everybody had carved out a little spot to call their own. It was like looking into an apartment building that didn't have any walls or a roof on it.

Because the entire encampment was so sectioned off, Kate didn't really know where she should sleep. The other beach dwellers had settled by the fire, but she didn't really want to be so close to so many people. She had a lot to think about and preferred to do it where she wouldn't be disturbed; so she eventually settled on a mossy covered area about ten feet away from the fire.

The temperature began to drop as the night progressed. She tried to curl up into a ball to try to keep as much of her body heat as possible. But it just wasn't working. However, she didn't really want to get any closer to the fire. She was running out of ideas. _Okay, maybe I'll try thinking about being warm._ As she was imagining drinking a nice cup of hot chocolate, her thoughts were interrupted by approaching foot steps. Startled, she turned around only to see a pair of brown hiking boots a few inches from her face. She looked up. It was Jack.

"Hey," he said. "I saw you shivering and thought you might want this." He offered her a navy blue airline blanket.

Kate sat up and reached for the blanket. "Thanks. That's really nice of you Jack."

"No problem," he smiled. "Why are you so far away from the fire? No wonder you're cold," he said as he rubbed his arms trying to bet warmer.

"I don't know. I guess I just didn't really want to be around everybody else." Kate realized what she said wasn't the most inviting statement a minute too late.

"Oh," he said in a hurt and deflated voice. "Then I should probably be going."

"Jack, wait. I didn't mean it that way," Kate said as he turned to go. "Please don't leave," she added in a quiet voice.

He turned back around to face her and asked, "Are you sure you're not saying that just to be nice to me?" He looked at her with a lop-sided smile.

"Yes, I'm sure that I'm not just saying that to be nice to you," she countered good-naturedly.

"Well, in that case, I'll grab a blanket and be right back, otherwise I might freeze."

He was only gone for half a minute. He returned with a blanket in hand and settled himself next to her, briefly making contact with her leg and shoulder. Her heart flip-flopped and she remember the embrace they had shared only hours before.

They sat together in silence for a few minutes. "How hard would you hit me if I put my arm around your shoulder," Jack said. "It's just that I'm cold and I think that I'd feel warmer," he added with obvious bravado in his voice.

Kate turned her head away from him in an attempt to hide her smile. It didn't work. "So, you wouldn't mind?" he asked again.

"No, I wouldn't mind," she consented looking at him as a smile played across her face.

He gently snaked his arm around her shoulder pulling her closer to him. She could feel the warmth from his body as she laid her head on his shoulder. She sighed with pleasure as he placed his chin on top of head heart. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

Please R&R even if you didn't like it. Constructive criticism is always appreciated. Thanks!


	4. Hard to Leave

**Thanks to all of you guys who've read and reviewed my story! You are all so supportive and keep me wanting to write more. ;)**

After about 20 minutes of sitting next to each other Kate said, "I think I'm finally ready to fall asleep."

"Yah, me too," Jack agreed. As he got up to leave he said, "Well, I guess I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

"I don't know about that," Kate replied. "I'm probably going to leave pretty early. There's a lot of work to be done back on the beach. And I want to see if Sayid had any luck triangulating the French signal..." she trailed off. _I'm really bad at making excuses_, she thought. _Really bad_.

"Well, just come see me before you leave, Kate. Okay?"

"Okay," she smiled. "Good night, Jack."

"Good night, Kate." He wasn't very convinced by her reasons for leaving so soon; but, nevertheless, he accepted them. After all, he didn't really know much about her except what he could discern from her actions. And what he found was that she didn't trust easily. Even sitting with him tonight had probably been a huge step for her.

_I just wish that she'd trust me,_ Jack thought. _I don't know what's happened to her in the past, but it can't be anything good. I've never met a woman as mistrustful as Kate. It seems that she just can't convince herself that I have no intention of hurting her._

The next morning Kate woke up at first light and prepared to go back to the beach. She had promised that she would wake him up before she left. But when she approached his sleeping figure, Kate couldn't bring herself to wake him up. He looked so peaceful. Instead, she decided to leave him a present.

She looked around for inspiration and saw his empty water bottle. She took it and filled it with water from the small waterfall. _That's not enough. I need to get him something more. He might not know it was me if I only fill his water bottle._ As she looked behind her, she noticed a very beautiful pink flower with a splash of white at its center. She quickly strode over and plucked the blossom from the bush. She walked back over to Jack's sleeping form and placed the flower and water bottle next to him so that he'd be sure to see them when he awoke. She smiled at her handiwork and whispered, _'Goodbye Jack'_ as she quietly picked up her belongings and started out for the beach.

Leaving Jack was harder than she had thought it would be. Kate hadn't anticipated that her heart would feel so heavy. _Kate, you've got to stop thinking about him,_ she mentally chided herself. _What happens if you get rescued? What then? It's not like you'll be able to have a life together. You're a wanted criminal. A wanted criminal. Doctors don't generally marry criminals._

A little voice in the back of her head chimed in, _Yes, but it wasn't your fault. You didn't mean to kill Harry. It was an accident. He was trying to kill you. You did it in self-defense. It's not your fault; it's not your fault; it's not your fault; it's not your fault._

Kate forced her mind to think about other things like: had Sayid been able to successfully locate the French transmission? She wondered it Sawyer had set off the rocket and turned on the transmitter Sayid had given her. If something had gone wrong, she didn't know what she would do. It was her job to active the transmitter, her job. And now it was going to be all her fault if it didn't work because she had left to help Jack.

As she continued mulling over the numerous questions in her mind, her surrounding became increasingly illuminated by the sun which was shining its rays through the dense jungle canopy. She was almost at the beach.

**Starting with the next chapter, most likely deviating from episode plots a.k.a. AU.**


	5. Back to the Caves

**Hey guys!  Thanks to all who have reviewed my story.  It's really wonderful to know it's being read. :)**

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Kate stepped onto the beach and looked around her. She had only dreamed of visiting such a beautiful place. But now that she was living here against her will, the beauty she had originally seen has somehow lost its luster.

As Kate walked back to her own small shelter, she saw Sayid stumble out of the jungle sporting a bloody wound on the crown of his head. She instantly dropped her stuff and jogged over to him.

"Sayid, are you all right? What happened to your head?" she asked in a concerned voice.

"I'm fine. I just need to put something on this cut to stop it from bleeding," he explained in a tired and shaky voice. "Do you know if Jack left any medical supplies on the beach?"

"He did but it was only a few bandages and your cut looks pretty bad. I think we need to get something to clean it so it doesn't get infected. And I know we don't have any peroxide here, so it looks like we'll have to go to Jack for that."

"Great," he said unenthusiastically.

Kate and Sayid set off toward the valley camp to get Jack to dress his wounds. "Sayid, what happened up there?" she asked referring to his sojourn in the mountains.

"I set off my bottle rocket and saw the two others go off. Then I activated the transceiver and just as I was receiving the signal, someone came up behind me and hit me on the head. I blacked out and didn't wake up until several hours later," Sayid explained.

"Who could have hit you?" Kate asked puzzled. "I was in the valley so I don't know who was left on the beach."

"Why were you in the valley? Who set off the signal?" Sayid said in a confused voice.

"Yesterday there was a cave-in up at the valley camp and Jack was stuck inside. I went to help and left Sawyer in charge. Jack's alright now..." Kate trailed off sheepishly.

Sayid smiled knowingly. "You like him don't you?"

Kate just smiled and blushed. She took a few seconds to compose herself and asked again, "Who could have hit you? I don't know if anybody left beach, but I didn't see anyone leave the caves. They were all trying to dig Jack out."

"I don't know, Kate. But I intend to do whatever I need to find out. Someone obviously was trying to sabotage the operation so that we wouldn't be able to get off the island."

"I agree," said Kate. "But I just don't see anyone wanting to stay here forever. I can't understand why someone would try to stop people from rescuing us. It just doesn't add up."

"I don't know," asked Sayid in a lightly angered manner. "I don't know."

They walked in silence for the next ten minutes until they reached the caves. When they got there, many of the survivors were just getting up and starting to look for something to eat. Jack, however, was still asleep. _That's odd_, thought Kate. _He's usually the first one up and the last one to go to sleep. I guess the sleep deprivation is finally getting to him. It's funny, it's like he never woke up because I didn't tell him to_._ I wonder if he's been subconsciously waiting for me to come. _She smiled to herself.

"I'll go get Jack," she said.

"Are you sure we should wake him up?" asked Sayid. "I'm sure that I could wait a while longer. My cut isn't that serious."

Kate looked at him and took his false courage in stride. "Sayid, you have a large gash on the back of your head that has presumably been losing blood for several hours. I think it's best that we wake Jack up."

Sayid nodded his head in consent.

Kate strode over to where Jack was sleeping and knelt down beside him. He looked so peaceful as he slept. She bent over him and resting her left hand on his arm whispered in his ear, "Jack, its Kate. Wake up."

He stirred and his eyelids fluttered. He slowly pealed his eyes open and looked groggily at Kate. "Are you going to leave now?"

"No, but Sayid needs your help. He has a gash in his head that's been bleeding for quite some time now. I'm afraid that he's losing too much blood."

Jack sat up newly energized and looked around him, searching. His eyes quickly settled on Sayid. "Okay, Kate, get some fresh water to clean the wound with," he directed purposefully.

While Kate filled a water bottle, Jack leaned over to grab his medical bag. As he was reaching for it, he noticed a beautiful flower and a water bottle filled to the brim. He smiled to himself and thought, _I wonder who did that_?

Jack stood up and quickly covered the ground between himself and Sayid. It was time to get into doctor mode. He opened his bag and pulled out a bottle of peroxide, some gauze and a roll of medical tape. _People sure do seem to get injured more than usual on this island._

As Jack worked on Sayid's head wound he questioned him about what had happened. "How did you get this?"

Sayid briefly recounted the little he knew. "The attacker came from behind. I didn't have any chance to see his face."

"Do you have any idea who did it?" Jack persisted.

"Not a clue. My first thought was that it must have been Sawyer; but he has an alibi. He was lighting the rocket's fuse. It just doesn't make any sense. I don't know anyone who would want to stay here."

Jack nodded in agreement. "Yah, me neither." A few second later he said, "That should do it. Just keep the bandage on even after it starts to heal. It's not good to expose such delicate skin to direct sunlight. I'll need to change the bandage tomorrow to keep the wound clean and make sure it's healing correctly. Okay?"

"Yes, that's fine." After a brief pause he added, "I should head back to the beach. The transceiver was pretty badly broken. But I must try to fix it because it's our only hope of getting off this island."

Sayid stood up and started walking toward the jungle. He turned around and asked, "Kate, are you coming?"

"I'll be along in a few minutes. I just need to take care of some unfinished business."

"Okay," he consented. "Do you want me to wait for you?"

"That's okay Sayid. I'll be along in a few minutes," she repeated cryptically.

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**Please R&R!  Thanks.**

**Sorry this chapter isn't terribly exciting b/c it lacks almost any Kate/Jack moments.  But it's necessary for plot and continuity.  I promise that next chapter things are going to heat up. :)**


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